Finding "The One"
Tuesday, August 8, 2017 at 4:50PM As someone who works a lot with couples with troubled marriages, I am often asked by individuals how to find the right relationship that will last for a lifetime. One of the things I have learned throughout the years is that we often end up marrying people who have some traits in common with one or both of our parents. While this statement often makes sense to people, they are often confused by the fact that these traits are not always the ones that made us feel secure and connected in our relationships with our families. For instance, if we grew up with a parent who worked around the clock and left us feeling upset when they missed all of our important milestones, we are more likely to marry someone who will repeat this pattern despite how it made us feel in our childhood.
Inevitably, whenever I point this out to couples they express a fear that something must be wrong with them to repeat this pattern of hurt voluntarily. The truth is that even if our parent’s trait is a negative one, it is at least a familiar one. We, as humans, are always more comfortable with the familiar, even if it is unhealthy or upsetting. The problem becomes that as adults (with our presumably fully developed reasoning skills and maturity) we are sure that our reactions to these similar slights will be much more evolved. However, despite our growth in the logical parts of our brains, the slights we experience with our partners trigger the same emotional response we had as a child, typically at the same developmental level as when we first experienced it. So the behavior it elicits often puts us squarely in the middle of the struggles we wish we had left behind through maturity, which often lands people in my office.
So how do you avoid that problem? First, it is important to have self-awareness. What are your triggers and the stimuli from your youth that still hurt you when you think about them in adulthood? Do you feel like your parents never listened to your opinion or valued the things that were important to you? Then take a realistic look at your potential future partner. Does he/she have the same tendency? What traits does he/she have in common with your mother and father? Are those traits you admired or traits that hurt you? Take a step back and consider whether your reactions to these traits are likely to be conducive to a healthy relationship. Examining potential partners from this fresh perspective may even cause you to see other acquaintances, you may have completely overlooked before, in a totally new light.
If you have your heart set on partnering with someone who does share one of the negative traits that drove you crazy as a child, don’t despair. There are ways to work on yourself to make that relationship work. Maybe it is time for you to seek therapy to help you let go of that old childhood pain. Ultimately, make sure that you ask yourself whether you are willing to live the rest of your life with this person if nothing changes. If the answer is yes you have a strong foundation to build upon. Never enter into a marriage expecting that you can change your partner over time. Personality traits are not the same as bachelor cleanliness or frilly throw pillows. Assuming you will be able to modify your partner’s personality to better suit your preferences is a recipe for disaster.
relationships
Reader Comments (2)
I had the computer read this one to me twice. The first time I didn't hear that last sentence.
I had the computer read this one to me twice. The first time I didn't hear that last sentence.