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Entries in parenting (13)

Tuesday
Jun282016

Building Self-Esteem

We have become a society of trophies for everyone no matter their effort or ability.  In an effort to build the self-esteem of children we may have gone too far in our praise of everything they do.  In doing so, I fear that we have created a generation of kids who have extremely poor self-esteem.  Let’s face the facts: not everything they do is praise worthy.  If we praise them for everything, how do they learn what it feels like to lose or not be good at something?  How do they develop the ability to be a good sport even when they feel badly about their performance?  But the largest issue that comes from this trend is that they can be completely unprepared to face an adult world where bosses will not always offer praise or compensation for all of their hard work.

When I express these opinions to parents who come seeking my help with their children, I am often met with horrified stares.  Believe me, I do not believe in tearing children down with negativity and I am not saying that building self-esteem is not important.  All I am saying is that there are better ways to actually accomplish that goal.  Self-esteem is born from a sense of mastery.  So encourage children to try a lot of things and praise them when they are actually good at something.  That way your praise has meaning to them.  Trust me, they feel different when they are actually good at something and your praise will mean more if you reserve it for those moments.  This is not the same thing as finding what they are good at and taking the joy out of it by forcing year round instruction and demanding excellence.  If this is something your child wants, that is great, but in my experience such an approach is often more about the parent than the child. 

Set expectations for your children.  If you have expectations and they are clearly communicated to your child they will work hard to live up to them.  When their hard work pays off and you are proud of them, they will be proud too.  Their pride is really the key.  I never just tell my children that I am proud of them.  Someday, unfortunately, I won’t be around to tell them that all the time.  And while I am often proud of them and express my pleasure and pride in particular actions, behaviors and achievements, I always tell them that they should be proud of themselves.  I want them to be able to validate their own feelings and not always look to me to judge their level of competency. 

Give your kid choices and point out when they make good ones.  It is common for us to ruminate on bad choices that we have made or pawn the choice off on someone else for fear of making a bad one.  In order to gain lasting confidence your child must see that they make good choices.  Your validation goes a long way to promote this.  Even small choices build to better bigger choices.  It can be tempting to just choose for them or force their hands, but nothing is learned or gained when you do that.

Finally, as social creatures children must find “their people”.  It is important for them to understand that friends that are worth having will like them for who they are. Some people aren’t going to like them at all.  They don’t have to be liked by everyone.  Your children also don’t have to like everyone.  In fact, it is important to teach them how to be respectful and kind even when they don’t like someone.  All they really need is a small core group of peers who have similar interests and allow them to be themselves.  If they have that they will feel good about themselves because those friends will validate their experiences and like them even when they aren’t the best at something.  Learning this now will help them choose better friends and a better mate as adults.  So while there are many things you can do to build self-esteem and it will always be an ongoing process, praising our children for everything they do is not one of them.  Good friends, a sense of mastery and the building of good decision-making abilities will be better life long habits to begin now.

 

Friday
May272016

When is a child old enough for chores?

Parents regularly come to see me feeling completely overwhelmed with jobs, overscheduled kids and household responsibilities.  They often lament about children not being quite old enough to pitch in and help with these household responsibilities.  The conversation inevitably comes to the question: when is a child old enough for chores?  They are surprised by my answer: as soon as they are old enough to ask for toys or candy at the store!

Although some people are quite surprised by this response, I believe that it is true.  I would never suggest something to a patient that I wouldn’t be willing to put into action in my own personal life.  My poor children often become my guinea pigs for different parenting philosophies that I have discovered through research over the years.  However, this idea just makes sense.  What better way to teach your children to be responsible and what it means to be part of a family unit.  If they are old enough to want something, they are old enough to be motivated by allowance because allowance will let them buy anything…[even if their parents say no][REALLY?  IF THEIR PARENTS SAY NO?]!

So how do you implement a chore system with young children?  First you must pick tasks that they are capable of completing and that make sense.  My son brought garbage cans in from the curb and checked the mail as early as four years old.  My daughter cleared her place at the dinner table almost as soon as she was out of a high chair.  Notice I never said that these tasks would be carried out perfectly.  Many stray pieces of mail were later found in the flower beds or food mess needed to be cleaned off the floor.  However, these small inconveniences were worth the long term benefits.  My six year old puts her own laundry away in drawers, helps load and unload a dishwasher, sets a table, and unpacks her own backpack.  While this is helpful to me as a parent, it is also greatly intrinsically rewarding for them. They feel a sense of accomplishment and they love being able to save money for bigger items that I would consider a waste.  Their understanding of money and how much things truly cost is a wonderful added bonus.

If you didn’t start your children out with chores at a young age it is never too late.  Your incentives for their participation may need to be higher though.  If your children are old enough to understand the big shift chores will make in the household, I encourage a family meeting to discuss the change.  Kids will be much more motivated to complete chores if they are part of the creation and implementation of the system.  Pick a few items that you really need help with and let them pick a few that they are willing to do.  That way everybody gets a bit of what they want and has input in the situation.  In terms of allowance, I believe it should be different for different ages.  Let’s face it, the items they want go up in price drastically as they age.  At 6 and 9 my kids get $2 a week unless they do extra chores.  This would be meaningless to a 16 year old.  In fact, if your children are teenagers I recommend a chart where you can list different tasks that need to be done and assign a money value to the task.  If your child needs some extra spending money for the weekend they can pick the tasks that will earn them the amount they need.  It may be a great way to get the car washed or the lawn mown and you can feel good about teaching them the beginning steps for good work ethic.

Tuesday
Mar012016

Model Parenting

Many of my clients have children. Often, one of the stressors that brings them to my office is the challenge of child-rearing.  Therefore, parenting education and counseling has become a large part of what I offer to my clients.  It is impossible for me to saysimply, when I am sitting across from a stressed parent whose child I have never met, all of the things that are contributing to their child-rearing stress.  I cannot possibly divine what issues their children are facing and what outside influences are contributing to the issues at home.  This makes it challenging to suggest interventions for the child/children.  However, in my opinion, a lot can be changed in the dynamic of a parent/child relationship with changes that originate in the parent. 

There is no manual that informs parents on the best child-rearing practices (although I love and often recommend Dr. Laura Markham's book Peaceful Parents Happy Kids).  Every child is different and every household is a different environment.  One thing I have noticed that seems to be a universal issue is parental expectations.  There seem to be a large number of parents who yell and their children and then wonder why their children yell back.  One of the largest complaints I get is "my child never listens to me".  And my response is always "Do you listen to them?". 

This is not to say that I believe that our children are our equals.  On the contrary, I think that too many parents try to be friends with their child when what that child really needs is a parent.  I do, however, think that it is unrealistic for parents to believe that a child is going to be born with the knowledge that what they witness their parents doing they aren't allowed to do because they are not adults.  Your child is always watching your behavior even when you think they are not. It is one of their earliest teachers regarding how to interact with others and the world. 

So my simple advice is this: model in your own behavior how you want your child to behave.  If you want them to listen to you, teach them how by listening to them.  If you want them to talk calmly and rationally, show them how to do it even when they are angry.  If you want them to respect you, offer them respect.  If you want them to follow through with their commitments, let them see you following through with yours.  It is a simple concept that is often much harder to carry out.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  If you make a mistake remember that it is the perfect opportunity to show them how to handle making mistakes of their own. 

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