Talking to Kids about Death and Dying

Parents’ inclination is always to protect their children from the painful aspects of life.  Unfortunately, death and illness touch many young lives, whether through the loss of a pet, a family member or friend’s death, or a terminal illness.  I am often asked for advice regarding whether or not these tragedies should be discussed with children or minimized.  While individual circumstances must always be considered when making this determination, my answer is almost always that it is best to have a meaningful conversation with the child. 

First, an open discussion with a child may prevent them from seeking answers from others who may not be as familiar with the situation or your child or who may be less qualified to provide your child with assistance.  Second, if the line of communication has not been opened on a subject and the child nonetheless becomes aware of a situation (and they are often aware of much more than a parent realizes), it can cause the child to experience growing anxiety or worry.  Think about your own experience.  How often has an imagined unknown seemed much worse than the actual reality?  It is a natural reaction for many people to imagine the worst in the absence of information to the contrary.  It is the same for children but often worse due to their unhindered imaginations. 

The appropriate method for discussing death and dying with a child is very complex and, of course, depends on the age of the child and other factors.  For young children, I often recommend the reading of story books that allow them to process what they are experiencing and often lead to questions.  This can facilitate their taking of the lead in the discussion, thus increasing the likelihood that they receive the information and answers they seek.  My favorites are What’s Heaven by Maria Shriver or, for people with different religious beliefs, The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia PhD.  Sometimes young children also benefit from acting out death through play in order to make sense of this new experience.  This is completely normal and often very effective. 

With older children you may be able to just have a frank discussion about your experience and thoughts.  It is ok for your children to see you suffering when someone is lost.  You are their best model for how to handle grief and sadness. When in doubt, look for outside resources to assist you and your children.  There are many useful resources out there, but remember that creating a loving environment for your children to discuss their feelings in is never the wrong answer.