Model Parenting

Many of my clients have children. Often, one of the stressors that brings them to my office is the challenge of child-rearing.  Therefore, parenting education and counseling has become a large part of what I offer to my clients.  It is impossible for me to saysimply, when I am sitting across from a stressed parent whose child I have never met, all of the things that are contributing to their child-rearing stress.  I cannot possibly divine what issues their children are facing and what outside influences are contributing to the issues at home.  This makes it challenging to suggest interventions for the child/children.  However, in my opinion, a lot can be changed in the dynamic of a parent/child relationship with changes that originate in the parent. 

There is no manual that informs parents on the best child-rearing practices (although I love and often recommend Dr. Laura Markham's book Peaceful Parents Happy Kids).  Every child is different and every household is a different environment.  One thing I have noticed that seems to be a universal issue is parental expectations.  There seem to be a large number of parents who yell and their children and then wonder why their children yell back.  One of the largest complaints I get is "my child never listens to me".  And my response is always "Do you listen to them?". 

This is not to say that I believe that our children are our equals.  On the contrary, I think that too many parents try to be friends with their child when what that child really needs is a parent.  I do, however, think that it is unrealistic for parents to believe that a child is going to be born with the knowledge that what they witness their parents doing they aren't allowed to do because they are not adults.  Your child is always watching your behavior even when you think they are not. It is one of their earliest teachers regarding how to interact with others and the world. 

So my simple advice is this: model in your own behavior how you want your child to behave.  If you want them to listen to you, teach them how by listening to them.  If you want them to talk calmly and rationally, show them how to do it even when they are angry.  If you want them to respect you, offer them respect.  If you want them to follow through with their commitments, let them see you following through with yours.  It is a simple concept that is often much harder to carry out.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  If you make a mistake remember that it is the perfect opportunity to show them how to handle making mistakes of their own. 

Comments

[ami]

great post.