Building Self-Esteem

We have become a society of trophies for everyone no matter their effort or ability.  In an effort to build the self-esteem of children we may have gone too far in our praise of everything they do.  In doing so, I fear that we have created a generation of kids who have extremely poor self-esteem.  Let’s face the facts: not everything they do is praise worthy.  If we praise them for everything, how do they learn what it feels like to lose or not be good at something?  How do they develop the ability to be a good sport even when they feel badly about their performance?  But the largest issue that comes from this trend is that they can be completely unprepared to face an adult world where bosses will not always offer praise or compensation for all of their hard work.

When I express these opinions to parents who come seeking my help with their children, I am often met with horrified stares.  Believe me, I do not believe in tearing children down with negativity and I am not saying that building self-esteem is not important.  All I am saying is that there are better ways to actually accomplish that goal.  Self-esteem is born from a sense of mastery.  So encourage children to try a lot of things and praise them when they are actually good at something.  That way your praise has meaning to them.  Trust me, they feel different when they are actually good at something and your praise will mean more if you reserve it for those moments.  This is not the same thing as finding what they are good at and taking the joy out of it by forcing year round instruction and demanding excellence.  If this is something your child wants, that is great, but in my experience such an approach is often more about the parent than the child. 

Set expectations for your children.  If you have expectations and they are clearly communicated to your child they will work hard to live up to them.  When their hard work pays off and you are proud of them, they will be proud too.  Their pride is really the key.  I never just tell my children that I am proud of them.  Someday, unfortunately, I won’t be around to tell them that all the time.  And while I am often proud of them and express my pleasure and pride in particular actions, behaviors and achievements, I always tell them that they should be proud of themselves.  I want them to be able to validate their own feelings and not always look to me to judge their level of competency. 

Give your kid choices and point out when they make good ones.  It is common for us to ruminate on bad choices that we have made or pawn the choice off on someone else for fear of making a bad one.  In order to gain lasting confidence your child must see that they make good choices.  Your validation goes a long way to promote this.  Even small choices build to better bigger choices.  It can be tempting to just choose for them or force their hands, but nothing is learned or gained when you do that.

Finally, as social creatures children must find “their people”.  It is important for them to understand that friends that are worth having will like them for who they are. Some people aren’t going to like them at all.  They don’t have to be liked by everyone.  Your children also don’t have to like everyone.  In fact, it is important to teach them how to be respectful and kind even when they don’t like someone.  All they really need is a small core group of peers who have similar interests and allow them to be themselves.  If they have that they will feel good about themselves because those friends will validate their experiences and like them even when they aren’t the best at something.  Learning this now will help them choose better friends and a better mate as adults.  So while there are many things you can do to build self-esteem and it will always be an ongoing process, praising our children for everything they do is not one of them.  Good friends, a sense of mastery and the building of good decision-making abilities will be better life long habits to begin now.