To Confront or Not

I often counsel patients who are very anxious about confrontations with others in their lives.  Instead of asserting themselves and confronting interpersonal issues, they avoid the problems and let them fester into larger issues that destroy central relationships.  They often come to me on the verge of divorce or estranged from family and friends, lonely and filled with resentment. 

While anxiety about confrontation is a normal part of most lives, and I do not advocate confronting every single slight that you experience, an avoidance of crucial confrontation in relationships that are centrally important to your life causes blurred boundaries and overwhelming anger.  People who have a tendency to avoid these difficult conversations often lack resolution and carry around unresolved feelings long after they believe the disagreement has passed.  These unresolved feelings act as an emotional cancer that eats away at them and their feelings about the relationship, often causing overwhelming anger.  That anger can often become directed at themselves and others close to them.

Therefore, part of my job is helping people learn how to confront those in their lives who have caused them angst that is obstructing their path to happiness.  I often recommend role playing exercises or books such as Crucial Confrontations by Joseph Grenny, Kerry Patterson and Ron McMillan.  However, even individuals who learn how to master confrontations often ask me to help them find the balance that comes with knowing when a confrontation is warranted.

My advice on that is twofold.  First, never confront immediately unless there is an issue to your physical well-being or compelling reasons why there are time constraints.  Sit with the hurt and information for a bit.  You do not always have to respond, but if you wait to respond you will almost always be able to do so in a measured and calm way.  As the emotion dissipates you will be able to be clearer in what you want to say and cause less defensiveness in the other individual.  But the space and time will also allow you to examine why you are upset and whether this is something that needs to be dealt with or can be let go. 

Ask yourself what were the possible intentions of the person who hurt you and whether confronting this person is likely to cause the preferred change.  Often if you can realize that this is someone who didn’t intend to hurt you, and may have acted inconsiderately due to their own current circumstances, you will find it easier to let go of your hurt and forgive.  Also, if you determine that the individual has hurt you this way repeatedly despite attempts on your part to ask them to change, it is likely that they will not change.  If this is the case, you must ask yourself what your motivation for confrontation might be.   It would likely be fruitless to confront them with the expectation that they will change in this circumstance.  Therefore, the motivation for having the conversation might only be to allow you to feel closure or establish a new effective boundary with the individual. 

Finally, if you find yourself responding to someone in your life with strong anger that doesn’t seem proportionate to the current situation that might be a signal that you missed a previous opportunity to confront them about something that you couldn’t let go.  That is the time to ask yourself, what they have done that has hurt you in the past and confront the issue before your anger continues to build.  Sometimes, despite our best attempts to have the conversations that will help us achieve resolution, relationships will not change, but it is typically better to be proactive in bringing about the change you need rather than waiting for someone to change when they have no idea that you are waiting.  Having crucial confrontation in appropriate circumstances is the first step to the open and healthy communication that allows all relationships to thrive.  It is unrealistic to believe that we will never be hurt by the people we love, but with good assertiveness skills there is no reason that these hurts have to continue to color and control our future interactions.