Connecting with Your Children

I recently re-read parts of Dr. Laura Markham’s book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids in order to find some wisdom to help me through a difficult situation with one of my own children.  Interestingly, it took looking through this book to remind myself that the underlying issue was a lack of connection with my child.  I realized that I often take for granted that my children feel special, loved and connected to me.  If every decision I make about their lives is made with love, surely they feel that love, right?  Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for parents to fall into a trap believing that their children understand their motivations and that because they have obvious love for their children they do not have to work hard to show those children empathy. 

In my professional and personal experience, most problems that occur when parenting are related to our own personal emotional triggers and the fact that we take our connection with our children for granted.  It is important to notice when interactions with your children are upsetting to you or them.  Is it upsetting because you are reacting to the current situation or is your response really triggered by a memory of something else in your past?  Most of us desire for our children to have better experiences than we did and want to protect them from hurts we experienced.  However, your child is not you and their experiences are uniquely their own.  Knowing what your triggers are so you can identify them and remove their emotional volatility when dealing with your children will help to make sure that you are effectively addressing the problem currently at hand.

Once you identify and neutralize your emotional triggers, the most important predictor of a positive outcome is a strong connection to your child.  They are going to have difficult moments in their lives, so it is important that they feel that you understand and validate their feelings.  One advantage to this is that they will be more likely to respond to and satisfy your requests if they feel connected to you.  Also, experiencing empathy from you is the first step in modeling for them how to validate their feelings and find others in their lives who do as well.  Having empathy is not the same as agreeing with everything they say.  Certainly there may be experiences where you know as parent that more candy will prevent them from eating a nutritious dinner and make them get a tummy ache, but you can also sympathize with how difficult it is to be disappointed when they don’t get what they want. 

For more information on this subject I highly recommend that you read the aforementioned book.  While you are working your way through the book, though, make sure you are taking the time to work on your parent-child bond by becoming more self-aware, listening to your child and offering empathy for their feelings.  It is not enough to love them unconditionally; they need to know and experience that you do.  We all know that life can be hard and complicated enough, so spend your time being your children’s safe and supportive place.