Can Your Relationship Survive Long Distance?

In our modern society where jobs and relationships can take you anywhere around the globe, many people are faced with periods of time where they are physically separated from their significant other.  As a result, clients often ask me to provide advice for maintaining and growing a strong relationship despite these periods of separation. 

There are many factors to consider when evaluating the potential success of a long distance relationship.  First, what is the expected duration of the separation?  In my experience, relationship separations that have defined time limits fare better than those that are indefinite.  Second, during what stage of your relationship will the separation occur?  While individual experiences will vary, a period of separation may be less impactful at the beginning of a relationship when oxytocin levels are high and you are insulated by the euphoria of a new love than during other periods of increased stress and uncertainty (for example, when you have recently embarked on the journey of parenthood where responsibilities have increased while oxytocin levels are dipping drastically). Finally, is either person in a high risk factor group for infidelity?  These groups can include things like substance abuse issues, major life transitional periods, and high stress work environments. 

So if being apart from your partner is unavoidable or you decide it might work for your relationship, how do you give yourselves the best chance for success?  As with all aspects of a relationship, communication matters.  Discuss expectations and set clear boundaries for what constitutes infidelity.  You would be surprised how many couples take this for granted and end up discovering that they have very different ideas of what actually defines infidelity.  Use technology to your advantage.  Programs like Skype and FaceTime allow you to stay connected and close the geographical gap by maintaining visual contact with your partner and their living environment or new friends.  If you and your partner are separated by a significant time difference, use email or text messenges to leave your partner a surprise to wake up to.  However, don’t forget the power of a phone call. Communicating by phone while away from your partner may actually allow for deeper communication.  Not having to look someone in the eye while talking to them often removes inhibitions and may make emotional subjects easier to discuss, leading to heightened emotional intimacy.  It is crucial to also have plans to see each other regularly because there is no substitute for physical contact and sharing of daily living.  I also recommend small surprises such as mailed letters, flowers, funny cards/post cards or small silly gifts to let your partner know that you are thinking of them, even when you are apart.

While there is no foolproof plan for making a long distance relationship work, making your relationship a top priority gives you the highest likelihood of success.  Communication and maintaining a strong connection is the key to any health relationship, even a long distance one.  Don’t despair.  Despite what you may have heard (including from your friends and family), long distance relationships can work. 

Comments

[Carridine Poran]

I read this one too.

My only critique is that for those of us whose religious beliefs reject the existence of oxytocin this post is severely diminished unless we translate that term into concepts acceptable to the Faith. A description based on phenomena observable outside the specialized analytics of chemistry and psychology would carry your point more readily to a wider audience and would leave the image of the human treasured by the faithful undissected by those same analytics.