Should You Let Go of a Difficult Relationship?

I am often asked why I believe the divorce rate has become so high in this country.  Although I don’t presume to have all the answers to this question, I do notice a trend in the couples that seek out therapy and yet end in divorce.  While I still treat plenty of couples that have grown resentful and cannot even sit next to each other in my office by the time they come to seek my help, I also seem to be seeing a lot of couples that have positive feelings towards their significant other, but are nonetheless miserable in the relationship.  Unfortunately, the latter couples are more likely to end up divorced and my belief is that this is due to the relationship being flawed from its inception. 

The trend in our society has been for couples to seek out marriages later in life than previous generations.  There are many benefits to this lifestyle choice, including more career satisfaction and more maturity when entering the relationship.  However, it also seems to lead to fear of ending up alone and rushed decisions to marry, at least for many women, based on the fear of an inability to have families.  So when you meet someone who is mature, well rounded, has built a nice life for themselves and is an all-around good person why would you not want to spend the rest of your lives with them?  The problem becomes that sometimes two wonderful people have had life experiences that don’t allow them to meet each other’s needs. Of course, there is little worse than a spouse who is unable to meet your deepest needs.

When someone comes to my office in these circumstances I often hear statements about how they have shared their desires for changes with each other and their partner is receptive.  Sometimes there is even an initial push to make those changes in order to save what is basically a good and loving relationship.  However, over time those changes fade and the old behavior patterns emerge and both parties are left frustrated all over again.  They are eager to uncover why this keeps happening and how to solve the problem.  

The reason is often easy to determine: people grow and adapt based on experiences with their families of origin and other relationships.  For instance, they may learn through a difficult childhood to be extremely self-sufficient, thus making inclusion of their significant other difficult when it comes to emotions, major decisions or milestones.  It may not occur to such a person to share big news or skip an important work meeting for a birthday.  None of these decisions makes this individual a bad person, but it may make them a bad partner for someone who watched their parents be a connected team and place value on being present for celebrations of each other.

Solving these problems is a much bigger task and ultimately sometimes an impossible challenge.  The couple mentioned above can learn how to navigate these differences once they understand they are present and implement systems for making these decisions.  The question is whether they are both invested in changing and that investment comes when they recognize their behavior as a problem for their relationship.  Unfortunately, if their behavior is not something that they can recognize as a problem, it is not likely to change.

My advice would be to consider letting go of relationships where your needs are not being met, even if it means that you are letting go of a wonderful person.  Just because someone is a good person does not mean they are the right person for you.  Often understanding that someone is loving you in the best way they know how, but it is not the way you need, helps you to let go.  Think about whether the relationship you are in meets your needs.  What things do you truly need to make you feel valued and understood?  Everyone deserves to be with someone who can meet their needs, whatever those needs may be, and while nobody will likely be a perfect match to everything you want you should never stay in a relationship where you are thinking that someone will change for you over time.  I ask each couple that comes to see me before they get married one question and it is a good question to ask yourself about your relationship: if your significant other never changes would you still want to be with them?

If you are already in a relationship that you think may fall into this category, do not despair.  I always advise meeting with a therapeutic professional who may be able to help both parties gain the self-awareness necessary to make compromise possible.   Either way, open communication and an awareness of the real underlying problems within the couple’s dynamic will be incredibly helpful to improve any relationship.  While it is never easy to make a decision about whether or not to end a long term relationship, I hope being armed with some information about why it may not be working will help you come to the best possible decision for you.

Maintaining Good Sexual Intimacy

One of the tensions that often comes up in couples counseling is sex.  After all, one of the things that automatically goes downhill in long-term relationships is your sex life, right?  Wrong!  While it is true that initial sexual chemistry creates an influx of oxytocin in your body creating a new relationship euphoria and these levels do go down after about two years in a relationship, your sex life does not need to suffer.  The key is keeping the novelty and variety while appreciating the trust and emotional intimacy that lets you explore your boundaries in a safe and secure way.

Maintaining a good sex life starts with maintaining a good connection with your partner.  I advise couples to make the relationship a priority amidst their busy lives.  Put date nights and spending fun time together first, before other commitments, to the extent possible.  Try to keep some spontaneity in the form of things like lunch break meet ups (even if they are at home), naughty notes or early morning promises to leave your partner thinking about what might lie ahead after work.  Go back to the art of making out.  Nothing is sexier than the anticipation of what comes next.  Think about things that you both enjoyed while you were dating that disappeared from your sex life.  Are there ways you might reintroduce some of those things?

And talk about it!  Sex is the least discussed thing in relationships despite the fact that it is one of the biggest expressions of emotional intimacy.  Start with a discussion of the things you like and enjoy about your current sex life.  Once the discussion reaches a certain comfort level, introduce issues in your current sexual interactions by presenting differing ideas or solutions to things you see as problems.  It is much more likely to be well received, for example, if you tell your partner that you would like to try having sex somewhere other than the bedroom, than if you tell them that always having sex in the bedroom is boring.  Be positive and sensitive to their feelings.  It is also vital to listen to what your partner has to say with an open mind.  It is okay to draw boundaries with things you are not comfortable doing, but those boundaries need to be expressed in a constructive way.  Nobody wants to talk about their inner desires if they know that their partner will make them feel judged.  If you keep communication open, you may find new avenues that interest both partners and keep things fresh.

If you don’t know where to begin, why not do a little research?  Exploring extreme fetishes through books or visits to sex shops often allows you to become aware of which sexual boundaries you have that are firm.  It also may give you ideas of which you might be open to exploring further and will very likely make you more open to the discussion.  Simply enjoying the search together can breathe new life into your relationship.  Just make sure you keep your mind, and the communication, open. 

Would You Rather be Right or Happy?

As the weather gets colder and the holidays arrive, the natural stressors associated with this time of year arise.  Significant relationships in our lives often suffer from the stress associated with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season as well as the demands of social events with extended family and work colleagues.  For many people, financial burdens weigh especially heavy at this time of year.  Tempers run high, tolerance is low and communication can often break down in couples and families.  As a result, many people express feelings that they are taken for granted by significant others during busy times in life such as these. 

My first piece of advice to combat these feelings is to make spending time together with your partner a priority.  It is often when we get busiest that our coping mechanisms are taxed and we need recuperating reconnection time more.  Unfortunately, during these times we often make less time for this recuperation.  Finding the time to spend with your partner despite the other demands on your time allows you to balance those stressors with positive interaction and communication with your loved ones.  These positive moments can help give you the perspective you need to not develop a negative impression of your significant other during these stressful times.

However, it is inevitable that arguments will occur, especially at this time of year.  While all couples have disagreements, it is important to argue productively.  Disagreements can lead to anger and resentment, which actually changes the way you see your partner.  Arguing in a way that leads to resolution without resentment requires knowledge that two people can experience the same situation entirely differently and a willingness to bridge the gap between those different perceptions.  It is entirely possible to have the same experience as your significant other and walk away with different feelings, meanings and thoughts about that experience. 

We all filter everything we experience through our past experiences and our own moral code.  Since no two people have the same experiences in life, we may (and probably do) interpret the input we receive in any given moment entirely differently than our partner.  It is important to keep these differing perspectives in mind when an argument arises and evaluate what you intend to achieve during the argument.  Consider whether the battle is important enough to justify an argument.  If the issue is that important, why is it important and what about your feelings do you want your significant other to understand?  One of our basic intrinsic needs as a human being is to feel understood, so you will often be more successful if you try to understand where your partner is coming from.  What might they be thinking and feeling that are causing them to act in this way?  If you are focused on proving that you are right (or they are wrong) instead of trying to understand their viewpoint you are not really listening to them.  If you are trying to force them to perceive an event in the same way that you did, you may be ignoring the fact that your partner is viewing that event through a different filter of historical experiences than you.  This is what leads to the resentment.  After all, would you really like to be with someone who isn’t listening to you?

So as this stressful time of year approaches make your significant other a priority.  Spend time alone together away from the stresses of the season.  Have enough self-awareness to know your own stress level and pick your disagreements wisely.  If an argument has to be had for you to move forward, ask yourself do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  More often than not, you can’t have both.

Reconnecting Your Relationship

It is sadly unsurprising to me that the divorce rate has become so high over the years.  I see a lot of couples who needed help far sooner than they realized and had no idea how to get started on working their way back to a solid relationship.  While many things can create cracks in the foundation of a marriage, the largest issue is a lack of connection.  It is difficult, if not impossible, to weather storms such a financial stress or childrearing difficulties with a spouse if you do not feel connected to them.  Over time fissures of anger and resentment or alienation can cause substantial damage to that connection.  The person who coined the phrase that marriage is “hard work” wasn’t making a comical observation.  If you do not invest the work into your marriage to maintain a strong connection, your marriage will suffer.

Couples need help remembering how to communicate with each other in a positive way instead of replaying the loop of their arguments repeatedly.  I often recommend spending some special time several nights a week checking in with each other.  This is a time where distractions such as phones and the TV should be shut off in order to respectfully offer your spouse your full attention.  I normally ask couples to list some issues that often trigger arguments.  Those issues become taboo during these conversations.  Those are the issues that may need to be talked through later when communication is re-established or worked through in therapy with an outside party mediating.  The goal of these conversations is to create a stronger connection.  The truth is that if you have a stronger connection with, and greater empathy and affection for, your spouse, you will naturally try harder to be respectful and kind when talking about the harder topics. 

Many couples tell me that they have no idea what to talk about that isn’t their usual argument or the surface level day to day conversations.  Neither one of these topics is going to help forge the reconnection I am talking about.  I often suggest the couple start with a recollection of the beginning of their relationship.  Do they both remember how they met?  What they thought and felt during significant early dating experiences?  These conversations will hopefully help them remember why they chose to marry in the first place and what their relationship is capable of being.  It also presents positively emotionally charged ground for them to agree and build on. 

It is not hard to build on this conversation and make it more present focused.  Do they still feel that their spouse shows them that love?  What do they love about their spouse now?  What are ways they both think they can strengthen the relationship?  Hopefully, if done successfully, this conversation can be the first of many on their way to reconnecting.  It requires a real commitment on the part of both individuals to be willing to change current patterns and re-create or strengthen their relationship.  The idea is to learn new ways to make each other a priority again and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want to be a priority to their spouse.  Even if you think that your marriage is strong, it never hurts to remember fondly together.  Who knows what knowledge you may gain about your spouse’s thoughts and feelings that may leave you smiling the next day?

Suggestions for Rebuilding a Marriage

The couples who come to my office lay out stories of once wonderful and solid relationships that now seem broken beyond repair.  It seems unfathomable that the relationship that had brought them the joy evident in their wedding photos is now bringing them such desperation and despair.  The solutions for bringing these couples back together are often complicated and difficult.  There is one thing that I see regularly in couples who are successful at reclaiming their happiness together: a willingness to put in the necessary work.  Even two people who are deeply in love have to work at their marriage to maintain a healthy and strong relationship.

Excuses are often made for why marriages fail.  It is common to hear that a couple grew apart, that they decided they want different things, or that old arguments have just finally become too much to handle.  This all means the same thing, one or both of the partners got involved in other responsibilities and didn’t make the relationship a priority.  Now I understand that careers, children and other obligations take a lot of time and effort.  It is easy to devote your attention to these things counting on the fact that your spouse will be there when all of those other things are taken care of, but we, as humans, are social creatures.  We crave love and affection.  We have needs for attention and caring that must be met. 

So my first suggestion to couples is always to reconnect.  Make each other a priority.  I love to suggest that they start a monthly date and alternate which spouse plans the date.  That way nobody feels as though they are putting in all the work or a spouse whose opinion often goes unheard gets a chance to share something they love with their partner.  The idea is to engage with each other.  Do the things you used to do when you were dating before marriage.  Be creative.  If money and babysitting are issues, plan special meals together after the kids are in bed or go on a picnic or hike.  Play cards, shoot pool, go hear live music, explore a new town together, cook your way through a cookbook together, rediscover ice skating or miniature golf.  The possibilities are endless.  It truly can be as simple as reading the same book and having a glass of wine while conducting your own “book club”.  Go to a movie.  Afterward have coffee and discuss it. 

Even if your relationship is solid, it can never hurt to make your spouse a priority all over again.  People are constantly growing and changing.  What your partner of fifteen years has to share with you may surprise you and it can definitely help keep the marriage alive and thriving.