Reconnecting Your Relationship

It is sadly unsurprising to me that the divorce rate has become so high over the years.  I see a lot of couples who needed help far sooner than they realized and had no idea how to get started on working their way back to a solid relationship.  While many things can create cracks in the foundation of a marriage, the largest issue is a lack of connection.  It is difficult, if not impossible, to weather storms such a financial stress or childrearing difficulties with a spouse if you do not feel connected to them.  Over time fissures of anger and resentment or alienation can cause substantial damage to that connection.  The person who coined the phrase that marriage is “hard work” wasn’t making a comical observation.  If you do not invest the work into your marriage to maintain a strong connection, your marriage will suffer.

Couples need help remembering how to communicate with each other in a positive way instead of replaying the loop of their arguments repeatedly.  I often recommend spending some special time several nights a week checking in with each other.  This is a time where distractions such as phones and the TV should be shut off in order to respectfully offer your spouse your full attention.  I normally ask couples to list some issues that often trigger arguments.  Those issues become taboo during these conversations.  Those are the issues that may need to be talked through later when communication is re-established or worked through in therapy with an outside party mediating.  The goal of these conversations is to create a stronger connection.  The truth is that if you have a stronger connection with, and greater empathy and affection for, your spouse, you will naturally try harder to be respectful and kind when talking about the harder topics. 

Many couples tell me that they have no idea what to talk about that isn’t their usual argument or the surface level day to day conversations.  Neither one of these topics is going to help forge the reconnection I am talking about.  I often suggest the couple start with a recollection of the beginning of their relationship.  Do they both remember how they met?  What they thought and felt during significant early dating experiences?  These conversations will hopefully help them remember why they chose to marry in the first place and what their relationship is capable of being.  It also presents positively emotionally charged ground for them to agree and build on. 

It is not hard to build on this conversation and make it more present focused.  Do they still feel that their spouse shows them that love?  What do they love about their spouse now?  What are ways they both think they can strengthen the relationship?  Hopefully, if done successfully, this conversation can be the first of many on their way to reconnecting.  It requires a real commitment on the part of both individuals to be willing to change current patterns and re-create or strengthen their relationship.  The idea is to learn new ways to make each other a priority again and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want to be a priority to their spouse.  Even if you think that your marriage is strong, it never hurts to remember fondly together.  Who knows what knowledge you may gain about your spouse’s thoughts and feelings that may leave you smiling the next day?